And it makes me wanna...pounce. I hate that I'm all defensive but it makes me wanna act like a little girl and point fingers and say, "well you did this," and "you're doing that," and "and you're not listening to anyone."

That's a bad impulse. And I'm gonna try my best to avoid going there. I kind of lost my cool as Barb's "coping can" was filling up, but I don't really regret it, really. I really do want to understand her frustrations (not just about Goren, but in general) because I want to be on that level with her. But it's impossible when she doesn't make any effort – that lasts – to see where I'm coming from. I'm not the problem starter. There is nothing I'm more certain of right now. I don't see how I was a part of getting us in a lot of the messes we're in, but, somehow, it seems like I'm the go-to culprit when it comes time to throw your hands up and say, "this is all your fault!" It's garbage. It's like, it has to be my fault because it's impossible for it to be anyone else's. That stinks really bad for me.

SURE! OK! YES! My Goren idea is a bit extreme. I completely realize that. But, given everything else we're going through, really...it seems like it's right in line. And it does help everyone win. Why is that such a crazy thing to want? We can't let Ana and the baby just leave. Seriously, I think everyone would agree with that if they didn't automatically hate my idea because I'm the one that came up with it. (That is something to think about, though, right? Not to be on my high horse, but I'm the one going out on a limb here. My fanny's on the line. But...no one seems to think about it that way. Ever. OK, enough boo-hooing about that little specific.) It's not about not moving ahead with the family. It's about making sure the family can move ahead at all. How am I wearing the black hat in all of this? (Lots of questions to no one, I know. Sorry about that. I gotta vent these days. Just have to.)

I think I feel (how's that for deep!) that I get a lot of this stuff trickling down on me because I wasn’t always the me that I am now. I know I talked about this a lot last time, and I don't necessarily think anyone does it on purpose...but I can see them looking at Margene-from-five-years-ago sometimes.1 And what I've contributed over those years or how we've fused together doesn't get appreciated when the sharp knives come out of the drawer. I mean, not to sound like the youngest kid who's just complaining all the time, but what have I done to create ANY of these problems? I started a business. But that was all sunshine and daisy chains until I started saying it was important to me. Then it became a problem. Doesn't...quite...seem...right.

I guess I gotta get out of this defensive mode (seriously) and just know what I'm doing is the right thing to do...even if it raises some eyebrows. If I'm the only one that sees the tidal wave coming, so be it. I really think I can be the one that gets us to higher ground. I don't know if, once we get there, we'll just be arguing about the same things. I'd like to think that at that point, someone will say, "hey, we got up here because Margie took some big time actions," but let's not get ahead of ourselves. That's asking a lot.

Until then, if I can look myself in the mirror and KNOW that I'm doing this all for the right reasons – family security – than I can weather the storm. Goodness knows, though...it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

1About me and Bill, especially. I know Barb has the right to be upset about what we did before we were married, but the fact that we got married, are still married, and will be married forever should count for something. Not everything. But something. Her feelings can be hurt, and I know she deserves an apology, but I don't think she should side-eye me for forever more.

I'm going through a lot of weird feelings that seem like they are at odds with each other...which is a pretty big bum out. If I may just jump right in...

At this point in our relationship, I feel more connected to my family than I ever have in the past. I can honestly say that's true. I feel the bonds that have developed are thicker, wider, and stronger than ever. I am thankful for feeling this way. Years ago, that's exactly what I wanted. I would say, when things were tough or I was just upset about something, "just give it some time. Everyone's still working on coming together. Eventually, you'll all work as one and it will be great." That might sound stupid - "work as one" - and to some extent, I did have that wrong. Four people can never be one. But they can be four parts, each able to understand how the other three work/think/feel. I guess, I always hoped knowing how the partners in my marriage thought would help me understand why they make the decisions they do. I have to say, it's not the case. Or, at least, I'm not at that point in my own marriage just yet...

Because now...with a stronger sense of connection than ever before, I'm still, at this particular moment, very confused about a lot of Bill's line of reasoning and about why Barb and Nicki refuse to discuss why we might be heading for very choppy waters as this campaign continues.  Before, at the very beginning, I would worry that I was just a dangling extension of this family...that I went where it went and asking why wasn't part of the deal just yet. But more recently, I really thought - and would have said I know - that's not the case anymore. I think I know it's not the case anymore. I think Bill knows it's not the case. And I thought Nicki and Barb know it's not. My role has solidified over the years. (Right?) It has and I have to be thankful for that, too. But as I write this, I feel like I'm being looked at again as the string tied to the three balloons, like I used to feel...not one of the balloons, like I know I am.
Do I know it? Or do I just want to think I do?

It bothers me to wonder what it would be like if Barb was saying, "NO, NO, NO," and me and Nicki were moving in lock step with Bill on something. I feel like the train would slow down. I feel like it would warrant a discussion, not just a dressing down. I feel like no one would say with their eyes, "you're either with us or against us...and it kinda seems like you're against us." I tried to have discussions with everyone. I don't want everything to be side deals or "this for that" arrangements. I promise. I want to be in agreement on such a major decision. I want feeling connected to them to bring about some different results, though. I'm tired of feeling like disagreeing means disappointing. I'm tired of being more invested, but feeling less invited...even though, I'm told, this is all supposed to bring us into the light. Together. Together. Together.

Pretty, much...well, I'm just really tired, I guess.

I honestly can't go over the details here because it's tricky and I just don't want to re-hash it, but I don't know what to do. I'm in a world of grey here. I made a big mistake – I know that –  but I also know it doesn't mean what it could seem like it means. I know I should just tell someone, but I just know I'm only gonna get the gut reaction back from whoever I tell and then it'll just snowball into something bigger and more dangerous.

Or do I actually think a secret can be kept in these houses? That'd be insane, right? Thinking that? That'd be getting close to that barroom definition of insanity, actually, right? Expecting the different results from a situation you've seen pan out one way a million times in the past? There's no way in Hades this won't come out. And if I don't get out in front of it, that snowball will be even bigger than the one that will occur if the person I tell doesn't hear the whole story and just lets their first, instinctual reaction dominate their head. Because if I don't "come clean" – I really don't like using that expression right now, but I guess that's the best way to put it...I'm the adult. This is my problem. Not his – and if someone finds out, which they will, and I'm blindsided and on the defensive right from the get go, I'm gonna give them a reason to think about the situation with their gut...which I absolutely have to avoid. This all looks SO bad, I have to find a way to get them to understand the situation beyond the basic facts. The basic facts will make people's toes curl, mine included. But I promise it's not as world-ending as it sounds. It doesn't have to be, at least.

But I'm not trying to make it sound like I don't know this IS bad...that it was a stupid thing to do and that it was my fault. But what I want someone (anyone...you...them...me...) to understand is that it was a moment. I don't say this only to avoid a backlash, because it won't work, but it didn't mean anything, outside of that moment. No one will let themselves hear that2, though, so I guess I shouldn't expect it. But sometimes, maybe, things happen that aren’t connected to the before or the after. They just exist all by themselves. They're not tied to ideas or ideals or, really, anything that makes up reality. Am I just rationalizing? Am I just trying to make myself feel, seem, or look less guilty? I feel guilty, I'll tell you that much. Believe it. But not in a straightforward way...maybe not even in the way I should feel. It's just, at this moment, I don't see this representing something. I don't see it as unearthing some real truth that wasn't uncovered beforehand. Am I being honest with myself? I sure hope so, of course. But I do think I am. I'll be doing a lot more thinking about that just to make sure, I promise, but there's no emotional cover-up. If I realize something like that's going on in my noggin, I'll change my tune. I'll have to change my tune. But I have this urge to push back against people saying there's more to this than I'm letting on. If there is, I'll "let it on" and, I guess, earn my lashes. But I won't confess to more than I actually did.

I sound defensive and I guess I am. (This is a friendly forum, though, I'll remind you. Not that you know what I'm talking about, but, with your theories or assumptions, if you can stand to hold off on the preemptive name-calling, etc, I'd appreciate it. Like I said, I'm just thinking out loud right now. You're inside my head, Internet. It's not always pretty in there. I'm sorry. Please don't hold it against me. Leave that to others, if can stomach it.) Because I am sorry...and I know I'm sounding like I'm just thinking of ways to spin this...like it doesn't matter...like the only thing that's wrong is how people will interpret all of this. That's ridiculous...and not how I see the situation, I promise. I appreciate how big this is and I know it happened on my watch. I guess I just need to do a lot more thinking (not out loud) and come to grips with it all. I'm starting to get stressed about it. The timing...when to bring it up. How. I don't know. I guess, like I said, I just have a lot of thinking to do. I wish I hadn't added this to the list of things to think-slash-worry about...but it's right there...right on the top of the list...in Sharpie...highlighted...in the number one spot…

No good, but trying to be.

Margie.

1And, out loud, my thoughts sound...murky. Dang it.

2Will I?

I mean, I’ve told everyone I think this is nuts – I've said it out loud – but even that doesn't really, fully define my position on this whole state senate thing.

IT’S CASHEWS!!

That right there, I think, might more accurately describe my thoughts and feelings. And whether we expose ourselves1 or we get exposed by the press or the opponent or whoever...either way, we'll be out there when it's all said and done and things are gonna be different — BIG TIME — from that point on. I really have no idea how you go about running for state senate2 but surely Bill will, um, come to his senses when he starts doing the research. It's just too many hurdles, right? Too big a gamble? Too much to lose? Gosh, I just can't get over all of this, even with all the crazy "prophet" stuff Nicki keeps spouting off about. I'm totally spinning right now. I wish...no, I think, Barb needs to step up and get in Bill's ear. I'm kind of surprised she's just letting...wait, that's the wrong word...let me start over: I'm kind of surprised she isn't leading the charge — the appropriate charge — to get Bill to explain to us why this is worth the risk, step by step. I think I see the bigger picture that he wants to see or wishes he sees. And big changes take big sacrifices, but I don't think it's flat-out horrible to wonder if he's the one to do this? Now? With us waiting in the wings? I just can't say I'm on board right now. I'm not jumping over the rail just yet...you guys know that's not my style. I want to see how he goes forward with this idea. But my spidey-sense is tingling a little bit. And in some insane, only-for-a-millisecond kind of way, being the leader of the compound somehow makes more "sense" than running for office3. That's where I leave it for now. I put my opinion out there...enough of it, at least. Sometimes I feel like people have their hands over their ears.

Which makes me feel a little trapped tonight because I'm worried my disagreeing with this is coming off or will only come off as me being selfish. That's really not it and I wish I could get that across.  Two things can be true at the same time, right? Sure I care about VSN and all that and what that means to me and us. That's true. But, in addition to that, I care about risky decisions with good motivations, but scary outcomes. I know both of those things to be true. But I feel like only one of them is being heard. That grinds my gears and gives me butterflies. That's a dangerous combo...

Alright. Don't know if I'll write or chat next — I had a hard time writing this, if you couldn't tell — but I'll definitely be in touch soon. And by the way, congrats Sarah. I'm really, really happy for you.

Much amor.

Margini.

1Don't read that that way, Internet. Come on.

2And, at this point, I don't think Bill does either. He will soon, I guess.

3I know that will NEVER happen so I can say it without much thought and without any fear of jinxing it into happening.

Hey, hey out there. Busy as bees around here for the past couple of weeks. We’re all having to really pull together and buckle down so the casino can get off the ground in…well, soon. It’s been so much work, I have to tell you. There are always three more things to do than there are people to do them. It’s been nice to have a family project, though…if you wanna call it that. Most families’ family projects are something like building a tree house or maybe cleaning out the attic. Ours is to open a casino. That’s how we do it in the Henrickson household!!  A goal – a misson - for us all to work towards (whether we’re totally psyched about it every second of the way or not) has been good because it gives us something to work on together…and with all of us working through all the stuff with Nicki  and Bill and Nicki and Cara-Lynn, a common goal has probably been helpful. I’ve said this before, but that Cara-Lynn is a go-out-and-get-em-go-getter. She’s a worker. It’s hard for her to be in such a different environment, but she definitely brought that compound work ethic with her, and it’s been more than needed at times around here. She’s still pretty bottled up – which is fine and totally understandable - but she’s chipping in a lot. A whole lot, in fact.

And I’m trying to, too. I thought I had the phone to my ear a lot when I was just working  for Weber Gaming. Good gracious. This is a whole new level! This is the big leagues! And in the big leagues, people are mean! I got called “sugar boobs” the other day for barking at this jerk who kept me on hold for 25 minutes. “Settle down there, sugar boobs.” Are you kidding me? Unbelievable. But I kept my cool. I’m in a good place, I think. In my own head, that is, and that makes all the difference. If you don’t mind…can I drop that old and often-times meaningless nugget on you1 that I really do think helps during stressful times? Be yourself. And on top of that, trust yourself.  It’s all so much easier when you do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever, Margene. NOT THAT I WAS ASKING YOU, but thanks for the dynamite piece of wisdom. Bravo. Brava. I can get better advice than that from the lame quote-of-the-day calendar my brother-in-law’s given me the past three years.

I know. You might be right. But I’m a born-again believer in this adage that’s easy to say, hard to define, and too general to really put into action most times. I think that’s because a really important step is overlooked when people drop that advice on you. What if I don’t know who I am? How can be myself if I don’t really know who that is? Yep. Well, I wish you all had years of diary scribblings or blog entries2 because it’s a lot easier when you do. I spent some time going back over this silly compilation of my thoughts and what I’ve “learned” – if you can call it that – is that, through the years, slowly but surely, I’ve allowed myself to focus more and more on what I want or need or deserve and not feel bad about wanting or needing or deserving it. Not always, of course. And it’s not like I was batting .000 in 19-whatever at age-whatever, and these days I’m hitting a homer with every swing of the bat. But, in looking back at the path I’ve stomped down, I can see that it’s gotten straighter and straighter and straighter…and has moved consistently away from the ledge that I might have fallen off of. I’ve become more in charge (wrong word?) of where I’m going, what I’m thinking…all that stuff. I think that’s me knowing me a little bit more with each step. And that’s an awesome feeling, I’m telling you. It’s given me a much realer3 sense of who I was, am, and want to be. I think I’m finding my voice - not just how I’m writing or whatever, of course - I just mean I’ve seen where I’ve been and I see where I am and it doesn’t just seem random or willy-nilly. It was a slow and steady process leading to this point spot right here. And I like who I am in this spot – I know the person standing in this spot right here. I can’t stay here forever, of course. You’re always moving in one direction or another. But this is the new jumping off point. And I feel good about jumping off from here. So, I’m jumping!

Take care, misters and madams. Be safe and happy and good to people. I’ll talk to you soon. (wink-wink. This might be a hint, if you take it literally. I have a little surprise plan I’m trying to work out and if it does work…well, something cool might happen. Be on the look out.)

Love, as always,

Me.

1Not that anyone’s asking me, of course.

2Looking back, I’m really proud of myself for writing so much stuff down…regardless of if it’s just stupid, chatty-gabby stuff a lot of times. I had never read back over most of it. And when I did, I felt good…even if the writing isn’t.

3Is that really a word…totally expected the red squiggly there?…huh.