What Next?
Monday, June 28, 2010 at 11:16AM My life is one big, big, very empty canvas. I’ve got the paint, I’ve got brushes, I have everything I need except the vision and creativity to bring it all together. Life is just sitting there waiting for me, on an easel in my kitchen.
Everything I lived for before the election could be gone very soon (except for my family, of course). All those things that I’ve built for myself from the ground up…kaput. I risked all that empowered me – the things that made me a strong, independent, “single mother” – for the sake of my family. Don’t get me wrong… I am completely okay with it, I really am, even despite some things I may have said in my last blog post. I’m just reluctant to accept the fact that I might need to completely start over with my business. I worked so hard to get Hearts On A Sleeve up and running and it feels so SO good being able to provide for my family. But now that we’re out? Now that I’m branded as a polygamist? I dread having to confront Beverly about all this. I love VSN, I love my boss, I love the life I’ve created for myself, but I fear that soon it will all vanish. I know though that with my drive and ambition I’ll eventually be able to pull through and get my career back on track.
I keep having the same weird dream at night over and over. I’m sitting in my office at VSN doing my typical morning routine – you know, checking my e-mail, seeing what’s up on Facebook, preparing myself for the next shoot. And then Bev appears in the doorway with the most bone-chilling look on her face. Without a word or movement of any kind, she just looks at me from across the room. Once my eyes meet hers, her stare locks me in and I can’t look away no matter how hard I try. It’s a really frightening moment, as if she’s about to rush my desk and strangle me. But she starts crying. The fiercest and most stoic woman I’ve ever met – my role model – is breaking down right in front of me, and I have no idea what to do. She cries and cries there in the doorway, totally exposing herself, still motionless. Do I say something? Do I sneak out and leave her alone? I cautiously get up from my desk and start walking over to her, and it takes all of eternity to get there. My heart beats faster and louder the closer I get. Each step I take causes the room to shake. Finally I make it to the doorway and kneel down by her side. Bev looks again deep into my eyes as tears and mascara run down to her quivering chin. We share another long intense gaze. Then she hugs me and says “Thank you.”
Every time the dream repeats I’m still just as touched and relieved – and surprised – by what she does, but God only knows what it means. Whenever I think I’ve come to terms with confronting Beverly in real life, the dream happens and I start having second thoughts all over again. She is one of the greatest human beings I’ve ever met, and I’m hoping she’ll at least understand where I’m coming from and accept me for who I am. BUT…big but…I’ve been lying to her and to my audience. For a long time. Ugh, who am I kidding? I’ll probably lose my job but I’m constantly praying, BEGGING Heavenly Father, for some kind of miracle.
For what it’s worth, though, every day is a little teeny bit better. It may be bad now, and I may have to jump over some pretty large hurdles in the next few months, but this phase we’re in will NOT last forever. The more I think about it all, the more time I have to adjust, the more I realize we all have the faith and courage to live this new life. Bill has been talking about getting out of town for a couple days to regroup. I think it’s a great idea. We all need some time away from the real world so that we can come back ready to tackle whatever’s in our way.
Have you guys ever wanted to start over? Have you ever wanted to just hit life’s reset button? Isn’t that something people would usually kill for?
That big, big, empty canvas in my kitchen seems really daunting at first. What kind of techniques will I choose? What colors will my new life be? It’s really difficult to make that first brush stroke. It’s horrifying. But once I start dabbing this color here and that color there, the rest will fall into place much more easily. I have the freedom to wipe the slate clean and completely start over. To start a new life. And, boy, does that feel good.
Reader Comments (10)
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This post is not really about anything at all. Is it? You know, it seems funny to me that Bill has tricked Barb into accepting polygamy. She accepted Nikki on her deathbead. She was also probably coerced into accepting you. She was definitely brainwashed into accepting Ana. Barb even told Bill early on, "I don't want a fourth."
Now Bill thinks he is going to slowly get the entire population of Utah to accept polygamy. It makes no sense, no sense at all, especially in a state where people despise polygamy. People despise polygamy because they worked hard to overcome it. Obviously, it is deeptly ingrained in them to NOT let anyone pull them back into polygamy.
Big Love has taught me that polygamy is hard to overcome. The lost boys cannot give it up. They get married. Then they trick their wives into accepting second and future wives. Then they date unsuspecting women who they trick into accepting polygamy. The LDSers know all this, and it is ingrained into them to turn their backs on this and teach their children against this. Therefore, Bill is never going to win over the state of Utah. WHAT WAS HE THINKING?
You may not have to hide anymore, but your kids are going to be called pliggy, and the practical jokes will start again. People will stare and gossip. Polite people will walk away. Bill may even be impeached.
You know, Marge, you could become a hero in the LDS world if you play your cards right. Think it it this way, honey. You leave Bill but live closeby. You allow him contact with his children. You become baptised into the LDS church, and you speak there on how you left polygamy behind. You would become a local hero in Sandy. Not to mention, honey, that your business at VSN would really boom and grow.
You could go to churches and women's groups and give lectures! You would be the subject of newspaper articles. You could even write an autobiography. It would all be very interesting. It would also be funny to see how Barb and Nikki relate to you. Barb would have no control over you and would be struggling to think of ways to control you. Nikki would be jealous.
You could even meet a new man. Maybe you would marry a bishop. All the while you would be a rich, successful, independent, and respected mom in Sandy.
Marge, you do NOT belong with that brood you are with!
Your friend,
Shoshannah from Fairfax
:)
You are eternal my dear Sister Margene!!
VSN is not even the importance of a canvas. It is not even a brush in your world of creations. VSN is just a hue, a color that is on one of your many brushes, and myriad of tools. The joy of VSN is that it was a small artifact of the potential of your creative powers! You have greater creations my dear. VSN was but a child step-up.
It is in the Truth, it is in the un-restrained light that fears can wash away....If You courageously choose it. The Worldly is unfolding in greater Truth. You possess what our Heavenly MOTHER seeks for this world now...
with the new women Priestholders to become!
Accept your Beauty ~ your Love ~ your Truth ~ your righteous Destiny to be fulfilled!
Live in the moment , that is the real You.
Put your shoulder to the wheel my dear sister!
Act in truth. Multiply it.
BE The Beauty.
Be The Truth.
With Great Love and Prayers.
Read your BOM daily
...until then my Dear Sister Margene,
Grow In The Word......And please, tell me of your experiments in TRUTH!
Now for those who are barb, nikki and bill bashing its not hard to say no...
And so too happens:)
Excuse please, that I interrupt you.
This phrase, is matchless)))
The authoritative point of view, funny...
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