Growing and growing
Friday, June 11, 2010 at 4:27PM It’s been a while, Internet, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not writing to all of you… I promise to keep house on a more regular basis from now on. I’m sorry for leaving you so suddenly without any warning. I’m sorry for not reading your comments until now (I just did, and I love you all! Really, thanks for the support.) And I’m sorry for not being the cheery, bubbly Margene you all know.
All of you regular readers know our secret. Well, I mean, it’s no longer a secret now that Bill won the election and outed us. (I’m still trying to get used to the fact that Bill actually won, and that we’re all just…out there. In the open.) But anyway, some of you have known about us all along, and those of you who are maybe reading my blog for the first time probably came here to find out more about why. Why we did what we did. What was Bill thinking? Why did we expose ourselves? I’m at the point where I really don’t feel comfortable answering those questions, and hopefully you all understand. If you want to know more I think you’re just going to have to wait a while until we’ve had some time to figure ourselves out. And until I figure myself out. Just bear with me for a bit, guys, so that I can get my head straight.
I always put on such a bright face to cover up what’s underneath and, believe me, there’s a lot under there that nobody’s seen…ever. Not even Bill. Or my mother. I’m naïve and I always act on my instincts. When I married Bill, when I came into this whole thing, it was my instinct… I loved Bill. Love Bill. I acted out of love. But, just, maybe at first, when I took his hand, I wasn’t completely ready. Ready for polygamy.
I don’t know if it adds anything to this post to know that I’m in tears right now, haha. But I can barely control it.
Maybe it wasn’t Heavenly Father’s plan for Bill to be state senator. Maybe Bill was destined to take Roman’s place at the compound. Maybe there’s no such thing as destiny. I don’t know. I’m not sure Bill knows. I do believe, though, that in the end, no matter how many emotions and rough patches we’ve encountered along the way, Heavenly Father knew our family was ready and up for the task of exposing ourselves – of bringing ourselves into the spotlight – for some greater good. I’m just still grappling to find out why.
I think it’s safe to say that I’m changing… growing. We’re all growing. The past couple months have been a wild ride, and gosh do I mean WILD. And through it all I’ve learned a bunch about myself and about our family. The night of the election, there were definitely still a lot of bruised feelings between all of us that were never addressed or fixed. There’s a lot of tension between Bill and Barb, and me and Ben still, and who knows what’s going to happen to Ana and Goran. All that ugly stuff still exists and we’ll need to resolve it all under this whole new guise of being public polygamists.
It’s almost bewildering to me that I grew to the point where I was comfortable stepping onto the stage on election night. With my business, with all my friends who just assumed I was regular old LDS, going out on that stage with Bill and Nicki and Barb really changed things. And I’m not sure how, yet, but I do know that everything will be completely different from now on. When it happened, when I was in the moment, I knew that it was the right thing to do. It was my instinct. We had gone so far, how could we turn back? …But now what?
Now that we’re out, it doesn’t feel like I thought it would. Instead of pride and comfort I feel guilt and humiliation. I’m being pulled in so many different directions but as long as I have my family to fall back on I know I’ll be alright in the end. We will grow together through it all.
I remember my mom reading “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” to me as a little girl, and I remember it well. One day the caterpillar eats an entire apple. The next day he eats two green pears, and the day after that he eats three purple plums. His body grows and grows as he eats more each day, and then, once he’s grown too much for his body to contain him any longer, he turns into a butterfly. I think our family is right on the brink of making a very similar transformation. We just need to do a little bit more growing before we can turn into something beautiful. After all, the caterpillar was always beautiful on the inside; it just took a while for him to prove to the world just how beautiful he really was.
Reader Comments (13)
I am glad that you are showing the passing of time with this blog entry. It is not always logical that four years of a cable miniseries only covers 12 months. If you show some time passing then you can explain Nikki's oldest son getting so big. I assume that next season he will be much taller.
Moreover, Bill was not the orignal "outer." The original "outer" was Margene, and she outed him online on this blog. I dare you to bring that into the show.
I have read enough that I know you are giving us more than nine episodes next season, but I doubt that it will be 12 or 14, which is what we want. Personally, I would prefer MORE episodes but less often. More specifically, I would rather watch BIG LOVE every year and a half with 14 episodes as opposed to nine episodes every year.
Another suggestion is that BIG LOVE happens too fast. I would like to see a new episode every two weeks as opposed to every week. This past season only lasted for nine weeks. You could have strectched it out to 18 weeks.
I also think HBO is depriving BIG LOVE fans of the pleasure of BIG LOVE reruns. The reruns are only on HBO just before the season airs,. That is not enough. I am starting to forget about BIG LOVE because of the other MOM SHOWS (as my daughter calls them) that are competing for my attention. THE UNTITED STATES OF TARA and WEEDS are awesome. Now Shotime is coming out with THE BIG C!
BIG LOVE may be my favorite, but Shotime is providing me with more "Mom Shows" to choose from. Moreover, Shotime shows a massive amount of reruns of their "Mom shows." HBO is not showing enoug reruns of BIG LOVE.
If you are thinking of a spinoff from BIG LOVE, I would watch it. Really, the possibilities for more "Mom Shows" are out there, and you are not tapping the market, but Shotime is tapping the market. It appears that Shotime takes their audience more seriously than YOU do.
-Don't even THINK of reducing BIG LOVE to 45-minute episodes!
-I want MORE BIG LOVE reruns.
-I want 12 to 14 episodes but every year and a half is okay.
-Airing of new episodes should take place every other week.
-HBO should show more mom-shows. Be more like Shotime.
-If you really do bust Margene for outing Bill online (because she is such a sneak) he should say "Who in H is Shoshannah from Fairfax?"
Take care guys,
Shoshannah (your best fan with the best feedback.)
I'm not sure I like the direction the show is taking. It looks like it's looking for a way to end. Barb doesn't seem to love Bill anymore, Nikki is now in love with Bill and Margene seems to be outgrowing them all. Bill seems to be getting more shady every year. I could not believe he asked his BEST friend to take the fall for him, something that he'd never have done before.
Nikki, that woman never ceases to amaze me. With all of her lying and sneaking around, I can't believe he's still with her and that now she suddenly "loves" Bill and wants him all to herself. Rediculous. Someone should have kicked her tail along time ago.
As for the marriages, it looks like Bill has chosen progressively younger women (except with Ana). The show needs to stay away from that. That makes Bill look like a pervert, not a loving, God fearing man.
I was leary when The Sopranos ended and Big Love took it's place, but I really like the show and hope it lasts for a long time to come. I'm really looking forward to the new season.
Margene, I'm sure that everything will be fine, but it's definitely hard to see that right now. Once the initial shock wears off, hopefully everyone will see that none of you are doing anything wrong, I mean it's a lifestyle choice, right? It's not like ya'll are Juniper Creek and marrying girls off at 14! Good luck Margene, I'm so excited to see what happens next! Take care!
Everyone knew, the governor, the DA. Everyone on the compound or with a connection to the compound knew he married Roman Grant's daughter. Cindy blurted to a Bishop she certainly blurted to others. Nancy surely had to tell people why she was cut off from Barb. At the wedding she told everyone Barb was leaving Bill, which wasn't true and certainly wasn't with him on TV. And she had to tell them that cause they had known Barb was engaged in polygamy. The whole notion it was some sort of secret made no sense. Nancy and her new husband were in deep circles, not to mention Cindy and her hubbie. Remember the conversation step dad had with Bill about keeping Barb out of the gambling business at the wedding? Bill seemed to think he had a say in legalizing full fledge gambing in UT.
The smile you keep on the outside is actually coming from inside you, my dear! :)
You are always more certain than you are even willing to admit to yourself. !?! )
You have lead yourself in a way most pleasing to our Heavenly Father
....and yes in 2010 I can say our Heavenly Mother too!!
As long as you do not accept your Beauty ~ your Love ~ your Truth ~ your righteous Destiny to be fulfilled, you will feel tempted to ramble in your mind and run in the gerbel wheel of doubt, fear and down trodden.
But You know that is NOT You! So STOP Playing this game that you are confused. The confidence you hold at times -- where you live in the moment , that is the real You.
So press forward and act in truth, you have created a world of beautiful-brillance!
That is the message to act upon. Multiply it. As you have seen, that snares the quick jealousy in those around you who are caught in the weakness. Oh well, Oh well, Oh Well, Meg!
Grow+Up --- more into who you already are.
BE The Beauty.
Be The Truth.
With Great Love and Prayers.
Read your BOM daily
...until then my Dear Sister Margene,
Grow In The Word......Tell me of your experiments in TRUTH!
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