I don't know if I mean it, like, for good and forever, but I totally mean it enough to say out loud at this point in time: I'm done saying I'm sorry. FOR. REAL. Internet, I am trying my absolute best here. I totally am and I feel like I'm being held over the coals for everything.

And it makes me wanna...pounce. I hate that I'm all defensive but it makes me wanna act like a little girl and point fingers and say, "well you did this," and "you're doing that," and "and you're not listening to anyone."

That's a bad impulse. And I'm gonna try my best to avoid going there. I kind of lost my cool as Barb's "coping can" was filling up, but I don't really regret it, really. I really do want to understand her frustrations (not just about Goren, but in general) because I want to be on that level with her. But it's impossible when she doesn't make any effort – that lasts – to see where I'm coming from. I'm not the problem starter. There is nothing I'm more certain of right now. I don't see how I was a part of getting us in a lot of the messes we're in, but, somehow, it seems like I'm the go-to culprit when it comes time to throw your hands up and say, "this is all your fault!" It's garbage. It's like, it has to be my fault because it's impossible for it to be anyone else's. That stinks really bad for me.

SURE! OK! YES! My Goren idea is a bit extreme. I completely realize that. But, given everything else we're going through, really...it seems like it's right in line. And it does help everyone win. Why is that such a crazy thing to want? We can't let Ana and the baby just leave. Seriously, I think everyone would agree with that if they didn't automatically hate my idea because I'm the one that came up with it. (That is something to think about, though, right? Not to be on my high horse, but I'm the one going out on a limb here. My fanny's on the line. But...no one seems to think about it that way. Ever. OK, enough boo-hooing about that little specific.) It's not about not moving ahead with the family. It's about making sure the family can move ahead at all. How am I wearing the black hat in all of this? (Lots of questions to no one, I know. Sorry about that. I gotta vent these days. Just have to.)

I think I feel (how's that for deep!) that I get a lot of this stuff trickling down on me because I wasn’t always the me that I am now. I know I talked about this a lot last time, and I don't necessarily think anyone does it on purpose...but I can see them looking at Margene-from-five-years-ago sometimes.1 And what I've contributed over those years or how we've fused together doesn't get appreciated when the sharp knives come out of the drawer. I mean, not to sound like the youngest kid who's just complaining all the time, but what have I done to create ANY of these problems? I started a business. But that was all sunshine and daisy chains until I started saying it was important to me. Then it became a problem. Doesn't...quite...seem...right.

I guess I gotta get out of this defensive mode (seriously) and just know what I'm doing is the right thing to do...even if it raises some eyebrows. If I'm the only one that sees the tidal wave coming, so be it. I really think I can be the one that gets us to higher ground. I don't know if, once we get there, we'll just be arguing about the same things. I'd like to think that at that point, someone will say, "hey, we got up here because Margie took some big time actions," but let's not get ahead of ourselves. That's asking a lot.

Until then, if I can look myself in the mirror and KNOW that I'm doing this all for the right reasons – family security – than I can weather the storm. Goodness knows, though...it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

1About me and Bill, especially. I know Barb has the right to be upset about what we did before we were married, but the fact that we got married, are still married, and will be married forever should count for something. Not everything. But something. Her feelings can be hurt, and I know she deserves an apology, but I don't think she should side-eye me for forever more.