I kinda wanted to do a video tonight, but I'm worried someone will hear me and I'll get barked at again. The someone would most likely be Nicki - but heck, putting digital pen to digital paper doesn't really do much to lessen the chances of her sticking her nose in my business and commenting on each and every thing I do. Apparently, the Nancy Drew in her forced her to look on my computer - though, since she stormed off so quickly after demanding our attention and yelling about whatever she wanted to yell about, I didn't really get the answer as to why she was looking at my computer, but - she found my speech drafts and got all barky and mean and spicy. I hate when she does that so I figured it's just easier all around if I don't run in a dead sprint towards the minefield that is Nicki's at-the-moment craziness. And that is why...I'm writing. But I'm pretty exhausted and I don't know how much I have left in the tank...

I'm going through a lot of weird feelings that seem like they are at odds with each other...which is a pretty big bum out. If I may just jump right in...

At this point in our relationship, I feel more connected to my family than I ever have in the past. I can honestly say that's true. I feel the bonds that have developed are thicker, wider, and stronger than ever. I am thankful for feeling this way. Years ago, that's exactly what I wanted. I would say, when things were tough or I was just upset about something, "just give it some time. Everyone's still working on coming together. Eventually, you'll all work as one and it will be great." That might sound stupid - "work as one" - and to some extent, I did have that wrong. Four people can never be one. But they can be four parts, each able to understand how the other three work/think/feel. I guess, I always hoped knowing how the partners in my marriage thought would help me understand why they make the decisions they do. I have to say, it's not the case. Or, at least, I'm not at that point in my own marriage just yet...

Because now...with a stronger sense of connection than ever before, I'm still, at this particular moment, very confused about a lot of Bill's line of reasoning and about why Barb and Nicki refuse to discuss why we might be heading for very choppy waters as this campaign continues.  Before, at the very beginning, I would worry that I was just a dangling extension of this family...that I went where it went and asking why wasn't part of the deal just yet. But more recently, I really thought - and would have said I know - that's not the case anymore. I think I know it's not the case anymore. I think Bill knows it's not the case. And I thought Nicki and Barb know it's not. My role has solidified over the years. (Right?) It has and I have to be thankful for that, too. But as I write this, I feel like I'm being looked at again as the string tied to the three balloons, like I used to feel...not one of the balloons, like I know I am.
Do I know it? Or do I just want to think I do?

It bothers me to wonder what it would be like if Barb was saying, "NO, NO, NO," and me and Nicki were moving in lock step with Bill on something. I feel like the train would slow down. I feel like it would warrant a discussion, not just a dressing down. I feel like no one would say with their eyes, "you're either with us or against us...and it kinda seems like you're against us." I tried to have discussions with everyone. I don't want everything to be side deals or "this for that" arrangements. I promise. I want to be in agreement on such a major decision. I want feeling connected to them to bring about some different results, though. I'm tired of feeling like disagreeing means disappointing. I'm tired of being more invested, but feeling less invited...even though, I'm told, this is all supposed to bring us into the light. Together. Together. Together.

Pretty, much...well, I'm just really tired, I guess.