...and I'm thinking out loud1

I honestly can't go over the details here because it's tricky and I just don't want to re-hash it, but I don't know what to do. I'm in a world of grey here. I made a big mistake – I know that –  but I also know it doesn't mean what it could seem like it means. I know I should just tell someone, but I just know I'm only gonna get the gut reaction back from whoever I tell and then it'll just snowball into something bigger and more dangerous.

Or do I actually think a secret can be kept in these houses? That'd be insane, right? Thinking that? That'd be getting close to that barroom definition of insanity, actually, right? Expecting the different results from a situation you've seen pan out one way a million times in the past? There's no way in Hades this won't come out. And if I don't get out in front of it, that snowball will be even bigger than the one that will occur if the person I tell doesn't hear the whole story and just lets their first, instinctual reaction dominate their head. Because if I don't "come clean" – I really don't like using that expression right now, but I guess that's the best way to put it...I'm the adult. This is my problem. Not his – and if someone finds out, which they will, and I'm blindsided and on the defensive right from the get go, I'm gonna give them a reason to think about the situation with their gut...which I absolutely have to avoid. This all looks SO bad, I have to find a way to get them to understand the situation beyond the basic facts. The basic facts will make people's toes curl, mine included. But I promise it's not as world-ending as it sounds. It doesn't have to be, at least.

But I'm not trying to make it sound like I don't know this IS bad...that it was a stupid thing to do and that it was my fault. But what I want someone (anyone...you...them...me...) to understand is that it was a moment. I don't say this only to avoid a backlash, because it won't work, but it didn't mean anything, outside of that moment. No one will let themselves hear that2, though, so I guess I shouldn't expect it. But sometimes, maybe, things happen that aren’t connected to the before or the after. They just exist all by themselves. They're not tied to ideas or ideals or, really, anything that makes up reality. Am I just rationalizing? Am I just trying to make myself feel, seem, or look less guilty? I feel guilty, I'll tell you that much. Believe it. But not in a straightforward way...maybe not even in the way I should feel. It's just, at this moment, I don't see this representing something. I don't see it as unearthing some real truth that wasn't uncovered beforehand. Am I being honest with myself? I sure hope so, of course. But I do think I am. I'll be doing a lot more thinking about that just to make sure, I promise, but there's no emotional cover-up. If I realize something like that's going on in my noggin, I'll change my tune. I'll have to change my tune. But I have this urge to push back against people saying there's more to this than I'm letting on. If there is, I'll "let it on" and, I guess, earn my lashes. But I won't confess to more than I actually did.

I sound defensive and I guess I am. (This is a friendly forum, though, I'll remind you. Not that you know what I'm talking about, but, with your theories or assumptions, if you can stand to hold off on the preemptive name-calling, etc, I'd appreciate it. Like I said, I'm just thinking out loud right now. You're inside my head, Internet. It's not always pretty in there. I'm sorry. Please don't hold it against me. Leave that to others, if can stomach it.) Because I am sorry...and I know I'm sounding like I'm just thinking of ways to spin this...like it doesn't matter...like the only thing that's wrong is how people will interpret all of this. That's ridiculous...and not how I see the situation, I promise. I appreciate how big this is and I know it happened on my watch. I guess I just need to do a lot more thinking (not out loud) and come to grips with it all. I'm starting to get stressed about it. The timing...when to bring it up. How. I don't know. I guess, like I said, I just have a lot of thinking to do. I wish I hadn't added this to the list of things to think-slash-worry about...but it's right there...right on the top of the list...in Sharpie...highlighted...in the number one spot…

No good, but trying to be.

Margie.

1And, out loud, my thoughts sound...murky. Dang it.

2Will I?