...what in the world...I mean...

I mean, I’ve told everyone I think this is nuts – I've said it out loud – but even that doesn't really, fully define my position on this whole state senate thing.

IT’S CASHEWS!!

That right there, I think, might more accurately describe my thoughts and feelings. And whether we expose ourselves1 or we get exposed by the press or the opponent or whoever...either way, we'll be out there when it's all said and done and things are gonna be different — BIG TIME — from that point on. I really have no idea how you go about running for state senate2 but surely Bill will, um, come to his senses when he starts doing the research. It's just too many hurdles, right? Too big a gamble? Too much to lose? Gosh, I just can't get over all of this, even with all the crazy "prophet" stuff Nicki keeps spouting off about. I'm totally spinning right now. I wish...no, I think, Barb needs to step up and get in Bill's ear. I'm kind of surprised she's just letting...wait, that's the wrong word...let me start over: I'm kind of surprised she isn't leading the charge — the appropriate charge — to get Bill to explain to us why this is worth the risk, step by step. I think I see the bigger picture that he wants to see or wishes he sees. And big changes take big sacrifices, but I don't think it's flat-out horrible to wonder if he's the one to do this? Now? With us waiting in the wings? I just can't say I'm on board right now. I'm not jumping over the rail just yet...you guys know that's not my style. I want to see how he goes forward with this idea. But my spidey-sense is tingling a little bit. And in some insane, only-for-a-millisecond kind of way, being the leader of the compound somehow makes more "sense" than running for office3. That's where I leave it for now. I put my opinion out there...enough of it, at least. Sometimes I feel like people have their hands over their ears.

Which makes me feel a little trapped tonight because I'm worried my disagreeing with this is coming off or will only come off as me being selfish. That's really not it and I wish I could get that across.  Two things can be true at the same time, right? Sure I care about VSN and all that and what that means to me and us. That's true. But, in addition to that, I care about risky decisions with good motivations, but scary outcomes. I know both of those things to be true. But I feel like only one of them is being heard. That grinds my gears and gives me butterflies. That's a dangerous combo...

Alright. Don't know if I'll write or chat next — I had a hard time writing this, if you couldn't tell — but I'll definitely be in touch soon. And by the way, congrats Sarah. I'm really, really happy for you.

Much amor.

Margini.

1Don't read that that way, Internet. Come on.

2And, at this point, I don't think Bill does either. He will soon, I guess.

3I know that will NEVER happen so I can say it without much thought and without any fear of jinxing it into happening.